Last year, I tried to apply for a job abroad and I was denied ("denied" as I call it but I wasn't really denied, it was some sort of other thing that I'm more comfortable of calling it as "denied". I felt so bad that I had nightmares, I had "tulala" sessions (tulala means staring blankly), I didn't feel like going to work, and I even resorted to alcohol (pero once lang naman).
I really really felt bad that I ranted on my mom through e-mail (buti nalang sa e-mail lang or else she could have slapped me in the face...LOL!) and even said words that maybe made her feel bad (I'm not sure because she did not say anything about it, but I fel guilty after I reviewed my email to her). On her reply, she told me that instead of focusing on my failure, I should divert my attention to doing thing which will benefit me in the future whether I may go abroad or not. I shot me in the head - the words "may go abroad or NOT".
I'm a nurse and there is no good (financially) for me here in the Philippines. All my dreams will vanish if I live the rest of my life here in the Philippines (given that I'm really destined to it). I have no brothers or sisters who can help me if I'm on a financial crisis...it's only me, alone. And if I live the life of a nurse working in the Philippines, then I am destined for doom! It almost made me cry. I could not accept the idea that I will be stranded in an average life as a nurse in the Philippines.
I then decided to go out with a friend to have a drink. We drank silently as I was, at first, not comfortable to share my problem. Finally when the alcohol sank, I started telling her all my frustrations regarding my application and the possibility of not being able to go abroad. She told me a lot of things (I knew she was trying to comfort me but nothing seems to take effect), but what struck me the most was when she said that maybe I am not yet ready to go abroad, that if I could not handle that kind of problem then what more those heavier problems that may arise when I am already abroad. Maybe I still need to grow.
I've been thinking about it for a few months now. Whenever I encounter responsibilities, I initially grab it and do my best to work on it. It's because I want to practice being responsible. Whenever my job demands more than 8 hours of my day, I try my best to give in to the demand (as a way of being responsible and cooperative to my team mates at work).The more you practice, the more it will furnish, and that's what I want to achieve - so that God may frequently evaluate if I am ready to go.
Now, I am thinking of being independent (well maybe partially independent) - to live separate from my family. I already thought about this last year, but it was out of anger due to a dispute between me and my aunt. This time, I'm thinking for the reason of practising independence. I want to try. If I could not do it, then I can just come back in our house. Maybe through it, it will not just be me who will learn, but maybe also other people who are part of my life.
I'm not fully sure about this idea yet. It's still an idea, not yet a decision. I still need to think about it deeply. For now, I will still have to look for a good place to stay and analyze if my salary can handle that kind of lifestyle. Aside from that, I still need the permission of my mom.