I haven’t been feeling good lately. I have lots of frustrations in life and I think no one could understand me. Everybody’s busy with their own lives and I don’t want to add trash on them. How frustrated am I? Let’s just say that I’m soon gonna join Dun, Marl, Wins, Peel, Cat, and Phil’s industry! Add Marie and Juana as my soon-business partners! (Kiddin’)….
Life’s cruel with me lately. It went on me behind my back; I just woke up one day and I realized everything is hell.All those small problems I hid and ignored before piled up and it’s now a huge monster that’s destroying the city of my life.
I hate it when people are happy, but it makes me sad when I see somebody sad. Am I selfish? Or I just don’t know what I want? I guess both! I can’t be happy for somebody because I am not happy, but I’m not gonna be happy is somebody’s unhappy.
There three major bad things going on my life right now. 1.) Family, 2.) School, 3.) Love.
1.) Family
Why do some people hold grudges against somebody just because they haven’t done their best for the “some people.” Why do some of my aunts still hold grudges against my lola just because she haven’t done her best for them in the past. She’s old and weak and she should be enjoying her remaining years in this world. I can’t help but pity her, yet I can not do anything yet at this point. Whatever is with them, I just wish they keep it themselves and let not the “grudges” be passed on us (our generation). My ex boyfriend used to have the ideal family (relatives) where they share what they have, no grudges against anyone, they help each other without expecting anything in return or trying to control or whatsoever. I’m glad I once became a part of that kind of family. I wish mine was like that. Why did Auntie Nooky had to say those things to me if she really does not want me and my cousins to get involve with their whatsoever? She did not spoon feet but she put stimulus in my mind, like she wanted me to ask and find answers. I don’t want to hate anybody, that’s the least I can do with my sinful life. It’s really affecting me a lot. I pity my lola, I love her, I miss her, and I wish I can just go home and spend some time with her. I’m so scared, I’m scared that one day she’ll be gone and I haven’t given her the best thing that she deserves, that she will be gone carrying the heartaches her daughters are giving her. I know how hurtful it is for a mom to see her daughters fight each other, what more seeing her daughters all against her. I just can imagine the agony she is feeling right now, and the tears her heart silently cries every night. I just wish my aunts wouldjust realize how life short is and we should make every moment happy and unforgettable for everybody. If your life is miserable and unfixable, at least do not pull others down. I really can’t forget these lines, “Naa lage tay anak ug apo na nurse, pera aha man? Wala man pod diri.”
2.) School & Friends
Just this morning Thea and I were sitting and smoking outside Something’s and we were thinking of almost the same thing, she wants to restart her life and I jwant to put my life in stand by. We wished we were just robots or characters of a computer world, that somebody is controlling the things happening on us, and that when some things get messed up somebody will automatically fix it up, or restart it. Sometimes I question myself if I really can live up with this nursing thing without my heart in to it. I’m hoping someday I’m gonna find the reason why God put me in this profession beyond my own choice. As for now, I think I flunked my Microbiology midterm exam in my summer class and I’m struggling with my nutrition class, I know I’m not the only person who’s going through that Micro and Nutri problem, but the battle is inside and outside, and it is inside that I am struggling to win the fight. I failed a major exam once in my life… Midterm in Biology and now I’m about to get it the second time in Microbiology. The first time hurt, and I don’t know if I’ll be immunocompetent or immunosuppressed this time.
And there goes my two closest friends in school, Thea and Dyan. I’ve been hanging out more with Thea lately, I’m so happy because I thought I lost our closeness when we separated ways some semesters ago. She is also going through a lot of personal things right now. I promise myself I will be there for her, and give her the best of the least thing that I can do for her. With Dyan, I miss that bitch. She’s one-of-a-kind friend, and it’s really hard to find one like her (rare specie). The mother of Dyan’s best friend in Isabela, Kim, died. Her mom was shot in front of their house. I did not ignore that thing just because Kim is not part of my life. Sometimes you just have to feel other’s feeling in order to learn, and not wait for it to actually happen to you. With what happened to Thea’s dad and Kim’s mom, I realized many things about loving your parents, tell them you love them once in a while; I know it’s quite hard or shameful but if we can tell our boyfriends and girlfriends about how much they mean to us, then why can we not do it to the people who brought you to this world?
3.) Love
It sucks! Sometimes I think I’m gonna be an old maid for the rest of my life. I’m so unlucky when it comes to loving guys. I just want to love and be loved at the same time, if one of the two is lacking then it’s just a hell of a joke! I’ve been through serious relationships and flings, I hurt some guys and most guys hurt me but if I could turn back time I would not change anything because each and every relationship I’ve been through made me strong, helped me find the woman I am right now. Of course there are bitterness, regrets and guilt but they are just stuck in my back, I need to look forward and keep moving on with my life.
Bitterness?
Let’s call him “River”… the start of our relationship was a joke, we were together but then I realized there was a feeling involved on it, the sad part is it was only my feelings (I guess). He broke up with me without giving me the reason, I begged for him to stay, he stayed but the next day he said he just said he’s stay so I would stop crying, and then I decided to give up on him but he asked us to be together again, and then he broke up for the last time. Months later he asked me again if we could still be together; I still had the feeling but I decided not to. I still have that bitterness inside me, and I still don’t know why he broke up with me. And honestly, I’m over him but I still have not moved on.
Regret?
Let’s call him “Beach”… My best relationship with a guy was with him, he was the right guy I wanted but things were just against us. Gossips mocked us almost every month. Issues about girls bugged us always. I couldn’t help question him but what I wanted is for him to defend himself, because I’m on a dilemma between my trust for my friends and my trust for him. I lost some friends for my believing on him, yet I did not regret. Blah…blah…blah… Our relationship ended for a reason which I think is not enough for someone to break up with the person he loves. I’m very fragile with goodbyes specially if I’m the one being left, and at that moment I felt that way, that he was leaving me and I’m left alone again. I tried to be independent and I tried to move on, I kept myself busy. There was a mistake, because keeping myself busy did not help me move on, it just made me forget that I had to. Then I saw a picture from another girl’s account with him, and then a girl confessed to me that she and Beach had a relationship last year while we were still on. It flared me up, it made me angry and I hated him. He wasn’t my boyfriend anymore so I had no reason to believe on him unless he proves me or give me evidences, and unfortunately he could not prove his side objectively and could not present me evidence. I believed he really cheated on me. After months, my anger and bitterness expired and I already forgave him. Beach was coming over in Manila and I thought now that I’m not angry on him anymore and he’ll be coming here maybe we can still be together, and the stupid-me hoped! Then he told me he already have a girlfriend. Everything just fell in front of me. I honestly still love the guy but now that he has a girlfriend I’ll just keep things within myself. The girl seems very much in love with him, and I think Beach love her as well, so I’ll just back off and be friends with Beach. I just would like to hold on to the thought that he cheated me so I would not regret and feel worse, because I am feeling bad right now. That’s the major thing that’s keeping me depress nowadays. It’s silly I feel bad for an ex, but that’s what my brain hormones are working on right now. “Moving on is when you just realize it’s over but the feeling is still there, you just ignore it. Getting over is when you totally accept the fact that the person you used to call mine is not anymore yours.”
Guilt?
Let’s call him Mountain… He loves me, I tried to love him, I love him but I can’t just love him the way he deserves to be loved. He does not deserve me, he deserves someone better – a very over used line but that’s just it! I really don’t deserve everything that he is giving me, it’s GRACE! I feel guilty for it and I just want to set him free and who knows he may find someone better, the one he deserves to have, the one meant for him.
I am a believer of love eve though it failed me a lot of times. But I know someone will come along. Someone whom I'll end up with, happy and fulfilled. I remember someone told me that instead of waiting for the right guy, I should concentrate on being the right girl. And God put me on situations that tested and practiced my capability to love.
